Like a knife stabbed right into my heart.
Like my ribs are suddenly hugging and suffocating me.
Like a sand storm just hit my eyes.
Like someone's pushing the sides of lips down.
That's exactly how I feel when someone brings up the name of a loved one who's not there anymore.
It didn't matter when people told me they're in a better place, I was like I don't care they're not with me anymore!
It didn't matter how many hugs and pats and sympathetic tears and pep talks and hopeless tries to keep my mind off of it. I used to think how those people were pathetic and stupid. How could they think I'd forget? Was that even possible? At some point I was screaming at one of my best friend's faces telling her to tell them to stop condoling me.
It doesn't matter what anyone says unless you believe it yourself.
Yes it's hard not being able to see them anymore, or call them, or hug them, or even look at them. Yes I still get disappointed when they don't call on my birthday and yes missing them is the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life.
But that was way too depressing and frustrating, thinking about all these stuff, you know? So now I like to think that they're somewhere better. Making friends with other cute old people, drinking tea or coffee in a beautiful meadow with birds chirping and the weather is never too hot or too cold, It's just fine.
My grandpa could be playing Tawla right now with one of his new friends and he should be winning!
Maybe my grandmother would have met my grandfather by now and they're sitting together right at this moment. It makes me feel better knowing and believing in that.
Why should I cry, right?
They're having fun up there. I'm the one stuck down here studying for my stupid finals!
I just wish I had one more day with each one of them to tell them how much I love them, how much I miss them and how I regret every moment I intentionally and unintentionally missed with them.
May all of the good people's souls rest in peace.
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